Hare Raising Neighbors

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.  The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.  He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.  

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"  The guy stumbles around and says, "Um… no.. .um…what happened?"  The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.  There must be some real sick people out there!"

Happy St Patrick's Day

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.  

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."  The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."  The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. 

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way:  He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."  The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

New Years Lesson*

With the holidays just behind us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you know, some have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, seven days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. And you know I rarely have anything to drink. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before.

I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it !!!

*While not a "Jon joke" from the collection he left us, it certainly is a Jon joke in spirit. I can hear my Dad telling this one...

"Checker Taxi Madison Sq jeh" by Jim.henderson - Own work. Licensed under CC0 via Wikimedia Commons

Bear necessities

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.  As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me!  Lord, please make that bear a Christian."   Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am  about to receive."

Twins

Gobble Gobble