Happy Valentines Day!

*

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?**

*Googling for an image leads many directions; Dad liked Sophia Loren, so if you're looking for direction, do that.

**In the list of ponderables left by Dad/Jon, this entry shows up three times. I guess he really pondered that one ;)

Here, fishy, fishy

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I... couldn't live on my net income.

Baltes Shuh

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but...I just didn't fit in.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I ...didn't have any patients

Can't carry a tune in a bucket...

I became a musician, but eventually they told me my performance.... was not noteworthy.

Not classy enough for the Grey Poupon

I attempted to be a deli worker, but ...any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Not a Top Chef

Then I tried to be a chef but found ...I didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but...that was to exhausting.

I apologize in advance

Right after that I took a job as a seamstress but .... I couldn't mend straight!

(He also couldn't cut it)

After that I tried to be a tailor...but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job anyway.

Think.....think...think...

I worked in an orange juice factory, but… I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Ouch

After leaving 3M I took a job in the Hayward Wisconsin area as a lumberjack but after just 3 days... they gave me the ax

Job History

Many people have asked me what I have been up to these past several years, some think that I left 3M back in 1997 because of the excellent severance package they were offering, truth be told, after 18 years working as a film and video editor I.... just couldn't cut it anymore.

When a clock is hungry it goes back for seconds.

I apologize in advance....

...but my dad would have laughed or at least chuckled.
Stolen from a Facebook post of a former pen pal who now lives in Italy....

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's  Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replied, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24" WAIST and 36" HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say,"Jesus Christ!"

"Piazza San Pietro (4226259274)" by Greg Willis from Denver, CO, usa - Piazza San PietroUploaded by russavia. Licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons - http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Piazza_San_Pietro_(4226259274).jpg#mediaviewer/File:Piazza_San_Pietro_(4226259274).jpg

Overheard in the back seat

Where does a lamb get it's hair cut?

At the baa baa shop.

(courtesy of Roman - they start young)

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, 

"Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron!" 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, I'm positive!"

New Years Lesson*

With the holidays just behind us I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you know, some have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, seven days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. And you know I rarely have anything to drink. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before.

I took a cab home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it !!!

*While not a "Jon joke" from the collection he left us, it certainly is a Jon joke in spirit. I can hear my Dad telling this one...

"Checker Taxi Madison Sq jeh" by Jim.henderson - Own work. Licensed under CC0 via Wikimedia Commons

Let it all hang out

I see...

I'll fly away

Thanks Laurel and Hardy*

*The Music Box was one of the Laurel and Hardy episodes the Baltes family watched many times....

Merry Christmas

Meow.

"Doc, my dog is real sick," the distraught man said, putting the limp animal on the examining table. The vet checked the pooch, then turned to the owner. "I'm sorry, he's not sick, he's dead." "No, he's not," the man insisted. "He's just sick." "Judy," the vet said, turning to his assistant, "bring the tabby in."

 The assistant placed a cat in front of the dog's nose. The cat sniffed at him, walked across his body and bit his tail. No response. Finally, resigned to the situation, the dog owner said, "OK, he's dead. What do I owe you?" "Eight hundred twenty-five." "Eight hundred twenty-five! What for?"  "Twenty-five for my fee," the vet replied, "and $800 for the cat scan."

Space Oddity